An Accidental Shoplifter

September 22, 2011

in Blame The Sudafed, Cheap Expectations, Mommy-ville Detour

I’m raising a pair of very clever kleptomaniacs.

They get it from their father’s side.



Not a single tube of lipstick, roll of lifesavers, or out of date condom.  If I couldn’t raise the money and permission to buy whatever impulse purchase happened to catch my eye, it stayed there.  On the shelf.  Legally.

I’m fairly certain the Big Man wishes I still had to wait until I had permission for my impulse purchases.  Or at least the money…

It wasn’t that the thought never crossed my mind.  Its just that it was always followed immediately by a hundred ways in which I would get caught.  Visions of red flashing lights accompanied by screaming sirens and the screech of the security gates slamming down, cutting me off from my pack of friends, as I attempted to slink out the door with a 25cent pack of gum in my backpack would run through my head like a bad promo for COPS.  I’d be caught.  Interrogated.  Humiliated.  And punished.  And that would be just what happened before my parents showed up to, maybe, bail me out.

Suffice it to say, I?  Was chicken.

Still am.

And yet, somehow, I’m sharing a home with a pair of Pre-K shoplifters.

The first time it happened was about a month ago. We’d just finished a marathon grocery run in which we purchased enough milk to sustain a newborn calf, enough wipes to absorb said milk, and a head of garlic.

Or at least I thought I purchased the garlic.

I know I grabbed the first one I saw carefully picked through the mound of produce to select the exact right head of garlic to bring nourishment to my family.  And then handed it to the Little Man to gnaw on place in the cart.

Which he did.  Because that is exactly where I found it.  In the cart.  Under the Little Miss’s car seat. As I was loading up the car with our, supposedly, paid for our groceries.


But it was just a head of garlic.  That’s what, 75cents?  And it was pouring.  And the kids were already strapped in the car.  And it was just 75cents.  I would just use one less coupon the next time I went grocery shopping.  It’d all come out even in the end, right?

Note to self:  Start using coupons.

Having learned from my lesson, I boldly continued our daily weekly shopping trips with the Little Man and Little Miss in tow.  We went everywhere there is to shop out here in Middle of NoWhere, Maine.  Target.  Walmart.  The Dollar Store.  Everywhere.

And then, one day, as I was strapping the kids back into the car after a rather too-successful trip to Target, I found it.

A roll of packing tape.

Just sitting there.  Nestled in next to the Little Miss in her infant carrier.

Unpaid for.

HOW did this happen?

I was SO careful.  I had used our nifty cloth shopping bags – and everything I planned on actually paying for went straight into them!  Bypassing the Little Man AND the Little Miss.

But there it was.

Hijacked by my sticky-fingered little angels.  Who were already strapped into the car, peacefully beginning their afternoon naps.  And as I looked up at the Target entrance, dozens of feet away, I thought to myself.

Eh.  I’ll be back tomorrow.


Krystyn September 23, 2011 at 3:35 pm

Yeah, I’ve had to go back before for accidentally not paying for stuff! Stinks…and confuses the heck out of the cashiers!

But, what I can’t get past….your kid was chewing on garlic? Ick! Then again, can’t stand the fresh stuff!

Domesticated Gal September 23, 2011 at 4:26 pm

He eats all sorts of weird stuff. Whole apples (core and all), lemons w/ rind, oranges w/ rind. As long as it doesn’t look like a green bean he’ll stick it in his mouth regardless!

NSC September 23, 2011 at 1:37 pm

You won’t get arrested, or in any trouble LOL! I think kids swipe stuff alot, so managers are probably used to it.

NSC September 22, 2011 at 9:21 am

Eh, it’ll be fine…just sneak it back in and leave it on the shelf…I’m not even sure if that counts as shoplifting for the kidlets. When I was like 5, I stole a keychain from menards, because I wanted it. There was no grabbing it off the shelf to play with in the store, my mom told me no and I grabbed it anyway. And my parents dragged me back into the store to give it back and apologize to the manager. That killed my urges for stealing after that.

Domesticated Gal September 22, 2011 at 9:31 am

I would have …except I used it to mail a package to my cousin…

I like your parents style – although I’m half afraid I’ll get arrested if I do!

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