Cautionary Tales of Living with a Pregnant Woman…or How to Really Piss Her Off

October 16, 2009

in How to be a Housewife

Pregnant women should come with a warning label. Or an Advance Man. Someone who stays at least 10 feet ahead of Preggo, warning all who approach before they get within spitting distance. The advance man could screen Preggo’s visitors – tossing out those who are skinnier, prettier, less pregnant, or more pregnant than Preggo. And those who smell.

But until I can patent this idea and get Target to produce my own Advance Man (if Snuggies can make it in, there’s no way they’d pass on the Advance Man for the pregnant fashionista), here are the top 10 things you should not say/do/or think around Preggo. Unless you prefer being spit upon while she curses you.

1. Don’t call me Preggo. I am NOT a spaghetti sauce. Spaghetti sauce gives me heartburn. And now you’ve reminded me that I can’t have it. Even though I love it. Thanks.

2. Do NOT touch the belly. Did you touch my belly before I was pregnant? If the answer is yes, I’m fairly certain you no longer have a hand to worry about touching my belly with now. I mean, honestly, if you went to the mall and just started rubbing random people’s bellies, I’m fairly certain you would soon be explaining yourself to the local judge. Who would also not allow you to touch their belly. Just because my belly now sticks out a bit farther into the public domain, does not mean its up for grabs! Do you rub your grandpa’s beer belly? Because if you do, then perhaps you need to see a therapist about managing your belly fetish.

3. “Really? You don’t even Look pregnant!” Ok, seriously? I realize that as a rational human being you may think this a fairly innocuous, even complimentary, comment. But its going to get you banned. Especially if you say it to a Preggo who’s at least 6 months or more along. She’s already had to switch to the elastic-waisted maternity jeans and is now secretly afraid that when she can finally fit back into regular jeans, she’ll go around with the zipper down because she’ll be out of practice of actually having to fasten…anything. And you want to say THAT to her? Let me break it down for you, there are only 2 ways this is going to be interpreted:

  • “we never said anything before, but you really packed on the pounds before getting pregnant…so you looked just as fat before as you do now” You’ve just told Preggo that she looked fat a few months ago. And looks fat now. Way to go.
  • “either you’re lying or your baby must be malnourished because I was SO much bigger than you when I was pregnant. And you look just as fat now as you did last year” Great, so not only am I fat but I’m also killing my child by not eating enough.

4. “Wow, you are HUGE!” What?? Are you trying to say that I’m gaining too much weight and will be fat forever after? Or that I’m somehow overfeeding my child and dooming them to a lifetime of obesity in-utero? Or that the special maternity top I just paid $50 for because I just wanted to feel pretty and will only be able to wear for the next week has added 10 pounds to me?

(In case you haven’t noticed, you just aren’t going to win. Just say “You look GREAT” and leave. Then I can simply think that you have to be lying, because there’s no way I can look great with a basketball for a stomach, and can go cry in peace)

5. “It’s just your hormones” Wow. Did that work for you when you were thirteen? Of course its just my hormones. I’m not usually in the habit of crying during the Huggies commercial. Or because I stubbed my toe. Or because its Tuesday. There is still a rational part of me huddled in the back left corner of my mind, rocking itself, knowing that this hour’s meltdown is totally irrational. But the hormone’s have locked it in the closet. And turned out the light. You are next.

6. “You’re fat” Just ask my husband what happens next…

7. “When I was pregnant…” Men, you are actually usually excused from this. And not just because you (hopefully) have never actually been pregnant. I have no idea why, but when telling pregnancy horror stories men are brilliant by following it up with advice as to how to avoid it or alleviate it in the future. “My wife had really bad nasuea too… she used to suck on hard candy all day to at least get that taste out of her mouth, and it seemed to help” See? Horror story, followed by helpful suggestion. Without a 100% guarantee that would imply there is something wrong with you if it didn’t work. (see #5 if you think that last bit sounded just a bit irrational)

But women! Oh dear. We should not be allowed to discuss previous pregnancies. Ever. Somehow, it always ends up being a competition. “You’ve had debilitating nasuea for three months? Huh, I wasn’t sick a single day the entire time – worked right up until I dropped that kid in the office coffee room!” or “Honey, you have no idea how luck you are. I couldn’t leave the toilet the entire 9 months. Just hope it ends at the 3 month mark…not that Mine did.” Either their pregnancy was worse than yours, or better. And their stories are NEVER followed up with helpful advice like sucking on a lozenge. And, somehow, its never looked upon kindly if you tell them to go suck on … a lozenge.

8. “Are your nipples leaking?” Just. No.

9. “But you just referred to yourself as Preggo in this post. Why can’t I say it?” Because when I say it, I am owning it. And it is somehow not an insult. When you say it, its as if you are saying everything last thing in this post, all in one word.

Yeah…that argument doesn’t work for Preggo or the N. word. But the hormones have decreed it thus, and so it shall be.

10. “You know, this isn’t really 10 things. Its more like 8.” What? Are you trying to say I’m fat?

{ 1 comment }

Maggy Jeanette October 16, 2009 at 9:59 pm

I heart #5 the most.

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