Dear 18yr Old Me – Suck It

March 10, 2010

in Blame The Sudafed

Its like a hazing ritual, sanctioned by high school English teachers across the nation year after year.  But unlike impossible midnight scavenger hunts or beer pong relays, this one doesn’t hit you right away.  Oh no.  It lies in wait.  In the bottom of that box of yearbooks and pictures, waiting for you to stumble across it a decade later.  You’ll have forgotten all about it, all about what is in it.  And in a fit of gleeful nostalgia, you’ll open it – eager to relive the days when you lived on French Fries, Diet Coke, and Dreams.  And Friends was still on.  Maybe even Seinfeld.  (WOW do I miss scripted TV.)

The “Letter to My Future Self.”

Designed, in theory, to allow you to evaluate your future.  Plan it out, if you will.  And then laugh hysterically 10 years later at the audacious thought that life would ever go exactly as planned. Just ask Conan O’Brien, or the other 9% of America who even just last year probably would not have projected themselves to be on the unemployment list.

Me?  I had BIG plans:

1.  Ideally, I’d have found a way to skip out on college and become…

“wait for it”

a Stewardess!

That’s right, a stewardess. No, NOT a flight attendant.  Flight attendant brings to mind a fabulous, thin gay man baking cookies at 30,000 feet, ala “Up In the Air” (don’t judge), or an irate, sweating behemouth of a woman barely making it through the aisle in her ugly flats with worn-out Dr. Scholls inserts, jamming her beverage cart into your elbows on “accident.”  And while I do not mind the idea of being a fabulous gay man, I like having boobs to much.

No, i wanted to be a Stewardess.  A tall(ish), thin, glamorous gal in a well-fitted uniform & ridiculously high heels mixing martinis on her way to a layover in Tokyo.  Because that is Absolutely what it is all about.  No Doubt about that!  And I have the perfect voice to direct people’s attention to the front and rear exits.

2.  Failing that, I’d have gone to college and become a wildly successful something or other putting my prestigious degree to use daily, flying business class to Tokyo for important things while a stewardess mixed me a martini at 30,000 feet.  (No, I was not overly imaginative even then.  This is why I write a blog, and not fanfiction.)

In reality?  Life has snuck up and domesticated me.  I’m now a stay at home mom whose degree (currently hiding under a couch at my MIL’s) provides absolutely no guidance as to how to bake the perfect chocolate chip cookies, or how to turn the Pringles can into a rattle – since my son seems to prefer that to any of the dozens of toys we already bought him.  Tokyo is off the list, as my husband would probably cause an international incident when mistaken for Godzilla yelling “I AM JOB” at everyone.  And, turns out, I hate martinis.

In short, if you had told 18yr old me that I’d become my mother, I’d have flipped you the bird. 

Now?  I still might.

But I’ll be smiling as I do.

{ 1 comment }

VTFitz March 10, 2010 at 10:38 pm

See, I did what the teacher actually expected us to do. I threw it out as soon as it was handed back to me.

And now I expect the same of my students (but I put out a recycling for their convenience (and move the trashcan to where they can't find it))

Of course just to mess with the little turds, I tell them the next day that the material will be on the next test as well. I love my job.

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