The Disadvantages of Not Being a Lesbian

May 16, 2010

in Blame The Sudafed

Some days, I have certain fantasies.  Fantasies of entire days doing nothing but reading and eating strawberries dipped in sour cream and brown sugar (don’t knock it till ya’ try it).  Fantasies of laundry that does itself, and truly self-cleaning ovens.  Fantasies of uninterrupted day-long marathons of the Real Housewives – New York and New Jersey unite!  (The OC? A bit too plastic – do ANY of them own a bra??  And Atlanta?  A tad more trashy than flashy.)

And every now and then – I fantasize about being a lesbian.  Not in the bedroom, just my closet.  Because while I love my husband, there are days when I wish he were a woman.  Just so I’d have someone to warn me before I walk out the door wearing a shirt with my son’s dried boogers stuck to it.

And while I truly appreciate the ability to wed the love of my life in any state I choose – not to mention my unquestioned right to share his medical and dental benefits – some days?  I just want someone who will tell me that my new purple-checked shirt is cute.

(The Big Man tends towards solid-colored shirts in either royal/dark blue, red, maroon, forest green, or black.  And by tends toward, I mean he wears Red on Mondays, Maroon on Tuesdays, Royal Blue on Wednesdays, Dark Blue on Thursdays, and Black on Fridays.  Every week.  In that order.  If they made man-size day-of-the-week underwear, I’m fairly certain he’d be in heaven.)

While I never did any of that “experimenting” in college, I imagine that being in a relationship with another woman would be Amazing.  There would be no:

  • Midnight Splash-downs into the clean (?) toilet bowl after forgetting to check if the seat is up or not.
  • Debates on the merits of Monty Python or the proper technique to use in a UFC fight.
  • Automatic delegation of cooking/cleaning/kitchen/laundry duties to me just because its “woman’s work.” (of course, the fact that being a SAHM is now my Job has no bearing on this…)
  • Similar automatic delegation of all breast-feeding duties to me, since I would no longer be the only one capable of producing enough milk to feed a small village of children waiting to be adopted by Madonna and Angelina Jolie.  (You know its just a matter of time before Angie dumps Brad for the Material Girl.)
  • Sharing of closets – we’d be sharing entire wardrobes!  DOUBLE the clothing possibilities!  I’m totally fine storing our clothes together if I can wear ALL of them!
  • Paying for manicures – we’d do each other’s nails!  And braid each other’s hair!  Everyday!
  • Negotiating for “spa” services such as a Cut & Color at someplace other than the local Kwick Kuts R Us.
Of course, were I to switch teams, I’d probably have to give up my monopoly on counter/drawer/shower space in the bathroom.  And that?  Is not acceptable.
So hun – you’re safe.  For now.


Accidental Baby Maker May 18, 2010 at 4:16 am

sooo funny…. seriously… I often think that it must be the life… to have someone that listens when you talk, and cares what you are saying. Someone who is not going to kick his socks and underwear all over the room…. ahhh a girl can dream :o)

Poppy May 17, 2010 at 10:47 pm

I'm totally going to try the strawberry/sour cream/brown sugar combo AND would be willing to give the lesbian thing a trial run. I would be willing to be your bitch (without the sex of course)if you would actually look up and give an honest opinion when I asked "do these jeans makee my ass look big"?

Crystal Escobar May 17, 2010 at 10:25 pm

now that is hilarious!!!
I often fantasize about being a polygomist wife, not because I want to share my husband that way, but because it would be nice to have a little help around here :)

Melissa May 17, 2010 at 3:52 am

I agree. That whole double period thing would be much worse than any daily man dealings.

I get it, but my husband has enough thoughts and talks enough for both of us. I can't imagine what my ears would be dealing with if there was another woman around.

Domesticated Gal May 16, 2010 at 5:18 pm

Lol – as long as I'd get to be first wife.

Cranky Mommy May 16, 2010 at 5:11 pm

What about that whole decent-looking-but-not-hot-and-barren sister-wife possibility?!
In reality our cycles would probably align and we'd have PMS at the same time, not fun for anyone. But maybe forgivable if she wore my size and had better taste.

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