Do’s And Don’ts of Dating

October 4, 2012

in How to be a Housewife, I Learn the Lessons So You Don't Have To, Mommy-ville Detour

When you first enter the hallowed halls of Higher Education, those who are older and wiser then you tell you to treasure the years you spend in college – that it’s not about the book learnin’ so much as it is the opportunity to fall on your ass and still have the world give you a hand back up rather than kick you while you’re down. They’ll tell you to study what you’re passionate about, regardless of wether or not it’ll land you a job with any hope of paying off those massive student loans. And they’ll tell you that the friendships you are making now will last a lifetime.

They were right about that last part.

Because making friends out here, after college, in the Real World? It is a hell of a lot harder when there aren’t 10,000 of you all with 40’s duct taped to your hands, linked arm in arm as you stumble through your soon-to-be alma mater’s special rendition of Old Lang Sine. For one thing, people now expect you to make friends Sober.

They also expect you to start paying off your student loans. Sober. Ish.

And I don’t know about you, but I’m a lot funnier after a cocktail. Or four. Regardless of which one of us is drinking them. And while I have found that they do not, necessarily, frown upon an occasional glass of wine at networking events, openly swilling some whiskey out of your baby’s bottle brings on more judgy stares than you might think.

And making Mommy Friends? Is HARD. I mean, aside from the judgement on what you put in your baby’s bottle, there’s the fact that you have, on average, about 30seconds to create the foundations of a meaningful relationship before your child, sensing a split attention, makes a headlong dash for the door/water/cliff and forces you to run off without so much as a “Nice to meet you,” let alone a phone number exchange.

So. For those of you who find yourselves in the Mommy dating pool for the first, or third, time, I’ve come up with a few helpful Do’s and Don’t’s.

  1. Don’t fool yourself. This is dating. It doesn’t matter if you’ve pinned down a man long enough for him to convince you that you’ll never have to date again, or that you’ve sworn off ever dating any man ever again. You have a kid. And unless all your other sorority sisters actually honored that pledge you made at 5am on initiation night and have also all managed to procreate within a few months of you, “PlayGroup” is just another word for “Speed Dating.” So make sure you look nice. But not too nice. Shower. Maybe put on a bra. But leave the curling iron for Ladie’s Night Out.
  2. Do make your own business cards. Yes, I’m sure pre-kids you could recite your own phone number at the drop of a hat. But try shouting out your digits as you do a thousand-yard dash to the nearest public restroom with your only-just-potty-trained toddler and his younger sister in tow, and you’ll be wishing you could just whip a business card at your new-future-bestie and save your breath for actual breathing.
  3. Don’t pass out your business cards prematurely. People who don’t ask for them tend to lose them. Or at least that’s what I’m assuming happened to the last 20 or so cards I passed out….
  4. Don’t miss you’re cue to leave. If your new-future-bestie has just confessed that her germaphobia has worsened since having her first and only child, throw the bitch a business card and get the heck out of dodge. Unless you enjoy seeing a grown woman re-create the “duck & cover” routine first introduced in air raid drills over her first and only as your own son joins the conversation with a sneeze that would have made Snuffulupagus proud.

{ 3 comments }

Nsc October 5, 2012 at 8:14 am

My friend, you have made my day with this post. Being a working mom, I have no time for playgroups and playgrounds are full of “big kids” by the time I get there. My hunt for mom friends is bordering on stalking barely known “friends” on facebook. Nice to know Im not alone.

Jan October 4, 2012 at 6:34 pm

This is just too funny! Love the card.

Angela Lynn October 4, 2012 at 5:30 pm

Or just move out of state and that way you don’t have to hurt their feelings that you didn’t really want to be friends with them in the first place but didn’t know how to say so since you saw them 2-5 times a week at the various (few) children’s activities you attended.

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