I Am Not a Morning Person

July 20, 2011

in After The Honeymoon, Blame The Sudafed, How to be a Housewife

I am not a morning person.

I am NOT a morning person.
I AM NOT a morning person.
Never have been, never will be.

Unless you believe my mother, who swears she used to roll over each morning at 6am to the delightful strains of a toddler’s high-pitched sing-song jabbering and find me settling in next to her with two dolls.  One for me and, of course, one for her.  At 6am.

I?  Call bullshit.  There’s no way that that is true.
Unless I and her real daughter were switched at puberty.
Because I?  AM NOT a morning person.
My morning routine in high school always began with a trip to the garage to filch one of my dad’s Diet Cokes.  And then ended with another trip through the garage to refill for the long walk down the driveway to the bus stop.  If I had to skip the caffeine route?  I’d miss the bus.  Every.  Single.  Time.
What can I say?  Diet Coke – the breakfast of night owls.
Mmmm… Diet Coke 

Sadly, Diet Coke?  Is a gateway drink.  Just a means to an end.  Because in college, after hearing of my caffeine addiction, my best friend Maggy introduced me to coffee.

Mmmm…sweetened, creamy coffee.  

Did you know you can make 12 cups at a time??  That’s like an ENTIRE CASE of diet coke!

Not that it helped get me to my 8am classes.  But by the 10am discussion section?  I was Totally ready to participate in life.
Of course, one thing led to another, and by my second job after college you could find my caffeine paraphernalia, well, Everywhere.  Starbucks cups and Diet Coke cans trailed behind me like so many breadcrumbs.  I had cases of Diet Coke stacked in my home.  My office.  And the trunk of my car.
What?  It was on sale.  And I traveled.  A Lot.  To AND From work.  EVERY DAY!

So wherever morning happened to find me?  I was ready for it.
And then I got healthy.
FYI – healthy?  Does not always equal happy.  At least not at 6am.  Without caffeine.
Which is something the Big Man seems to have forgotten.  
To his credit, it has been quite a while since he last regularly saw me before 5pm.  Sure, his mornings have always started at 5 or 6am.  7am?  Is his version of sleeping in.  The Big Man is the quintessential Morning Person.  The minute the sun comes up, his feet hit the floor and he is ready to greet the day.  Cheerfully.  Energetically.  Decisively.  There is no snooze button in the Big Man’s world.

I, on the other hand, believe that the snooze button was invented for a reason.  To quiet the freakin’ alarm long enough for me to figure out how to turn it off.  So, at least since he learned to sleep through the night, the Little Man’s and my mornings have started around 7am.  Otherwise known as when we hear the door shut behind the Big Man as he leaves for work.

Which usually gave me 8-10hours to wake up before the Big Man arrived back home for some happy family time.  Quite frankly, I’d have been happy to continue that arrangement indefinitely.
Except we decided to go and get ourselves another infant.  Who has not yet gotten the memo about sleeping through the night.
And we moved to Maine.
Which wouldn’t seem all that relevant, except that, apparently, here in Maine the sun rises at 4:30AM.  4:30AM PEOPLE.  Which means EVERYONE in our house is up at 5AM.  5AM.  That’s before 7am.  Or even 6am.  5AM.
I?  Am NOT a morning person.
5AM?  Is the Mother of all Morning times.  Any earlier and it is the middle of the night.
Which means that, for the first time in our marriage, the Big Man and I are forced to interact with each other.  In the morning.  Without caffeine.
This was not covered in pre-marital counseling.  Not that we bothered with that.  But I’m fairly certain that if we had, this?  Would not have been covered.
It certainly wasn’t part of our wedding vows.
So here we are.  Sitting at the breakfast table.  At 5AM.  One big happy family:
-The Little Man in his high chair, applying his daily facial of oatmeal to himself and anyone else within flinging reach of his spoon.
-The Little Miss, hanging on for dear life as she nurses like it’s her last meal ever.  
-The Big Man sitting very, very still in his chair.  Slowly eating his cereal with one eye on the exit at all times, ready to grab the kids and make a run for it at the first sign of trouble.
-And yours truly, slumped over my fiberific breakfast with an infant hanging off of one boob, a toddler aiming his next spoonful of oatmeal in my direction, and a man who vaguely resembles my husband if I squint through the one contact I managed to put in thus far this morning cowering before the firing squad as he gets up the courage to ask.
“Is anything wrong, hun?”
Tomorrow?  I’m making myself a cup of tea.  
Just one cup.  
For the sake of my marriage.  
And the children…


Marcie November 1, 2011 at 9:27 pm

I hear ya, girl! I will never be a morning person either. Thank goodness I married a morning person so that I can easily bribe him to taking the “morning shift.” ;o)

Jan July 22, 2011 at 4:13 pm

I LOVE your blog! :o) You have a great writing voice.

Domesticated Gal July 20, 2011 at 9:17 pm

Are you sure you're Bahnie? B/c to imagine you as anything other than completely and overwhelmingly perky at 7am is impossible!

and Lissa, I love having you as a lurker :)

Btw, anyone in blogging world know how i can reply directly to a specific comment on my own blog….?

Lissa July 20, 2011 at 8:26 pm

I'm so glad you've starting blogging again… or more often, I should say. I have really missed your delightful insights and hilarious antics. Oh, by the way, I'm a lurker.

Anonymous July 20, 2011 at 8:02 pm

I used to be a morning person. But then I went to college and discovered that ever precious snooze button. When I work I do okay getting up on time (which is that dreaded 5 am and it's usually DARK at that time- ugh) but the summer time is horrible for me. Even with a toddler who demands a schedule and I'm desparate enough to want to give her one is having a hard time getting up by 7. I go back to my classroom in 2 weeks to start preparing for the next 9 months of my life. I'm screwed. Oh and I haven't had a caffienated beverage since my last year in college. Definitely screwed. 😉

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