Can I at least get an “O” for effort? No?…

August 22, 2010

in Blame The Sudafed

I remember this feeling.  A vague nauseousness in my stomach.  That sense of Fight or Flight.  Mostly flight.  It reminds me of that day, every quarter, in elementary school when report cards came out.  Back when you got “O”‘s instead of A’s, and there were so many categories to be graded on that you were either going to win big in the Cash For Grades jackpot, or you were going to be grounded for the foreseeable future.  And because there were so many categories (and because I was 7 ,and thus oblivious to anything other than when the next Disney movie came out), I never knew exactly which it was going to be.


Fast forward 20 years, and, despite the fact I still managed to graduate from college even though my last report card most likely would have gotten me grounded for life, I’m sitting here with the exact same sweaty palms as I did back then.  Except those sweaty palms are clutching a diaper bag instead of a the oh-so-coveted Lisa Frank backpack.  And my agonizing anticipation is not due to what the contents of the ubiquitous white envelope might say, but rather what the elderly man in his generic white coat is about to decree.


(And no, I’m not at the gyno.  There is NO anticipation there.  Thank God.)


Cavities?


Plaque?


Evidence that I forgot to brush my teeth two nights ago?  Again?  


Sure, I may technically be an adult now.  I suppose that is the category I officially occupy now that I have a child myself.  But a visit to the dentist is enough to make me feel like the runty kid sitting in the front seat of the school bus, legs sticking to the vinyl covering as my feet dangle over the wheel hub of the bus on my way home for Judgement Day.


It probably doesn’t help that my feet are still dangling off the end of this dentist chair.


And my thighs are Still sticking to the damn vinyl.


Is the dentist going to give me a shiny new toothbrush & send me on my way?  Or shake his head in disappointment and schedule me for a cavity filling ASAP?


It doesn’t matter that I just showered.  Or that this man appears to be perfectly harmless.  Or that I rinsed with Scope this morning.  Twice.  It doesn’t matter that I’ve been using my electric toothbrush religiously for the past month in anticipation of this day.  In this moment?  This man?  Will be judging me.  And drawing certain conclusions about my overall hygiene based upon what he finds.


It probably doesn’t help that our opening conversation goes a little like this:
“How often do you brush?”
“Twice a day.  Unless I forget.”
“And how often do you floss.”
“Um…”
“Once a week?”
“…”
“A month?”
“Um…more like never.”
“Uhuh.”


Something tells me I may not be getting that smiley face sticker after all…

{ 6 comments }

The Fickle Nickle September 2, 2010 at 5:00 pm

You are hilarious!! I now feel slightly guilty for skipping out on my last dentist appt…

Erin I'm Gonna Kill Him August 25, 2010 at 11:44 pm

I start flossing the day before as though it will really fool them into thinking I'm a dedicated flosser. my last appointment involved the hygienist telling me she 'didn't detect any abnormally bad breath'. I realized had she said the opposite that I would have exiled myself to live in a shanty in Haiti. They have a lot of power, those dentists.

MommaKiss August 25, 2010 at 2:37 am

um, i went approximately 10 hours today before I remembered to brush my teeth.
let's keep that our secret.

jss August 23, 2010 at 10:48 pm

I haven't been to the dentist in over 2 years because I dread that feeling you describe above SO. MUCH. And clearly, avoiding that feeling is more important to me than gum disease.

In fact, my dentists office hounds me twice a year to make an appointment and I ALWAYS avoid their phone calls. I have an unnatural disdain for the dentist.

Mandy Fischle August 23, 2010 at 5:39 pm

Ahhh..love this post!! I felt like your were describing my own trip to the dentist!! Its horrible!!

mariahsmile August 23, 2010 at 6:40 am

Following you over there —> as Maya! You won my heart with a dental post as I am a new dental hygienist still trying to find a job! Go check out my blog! http://mariahsmile.blogspot.com/

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