I’m sensing a Theme for this week…

June 24, 2010

in Cheap Expectations

So I’ve been advised by plenty of wiser women than I to “clean” the Big Man’s “half” of the apartment while he is at work one day.

I’d love to purge the BigMan’s man-cave, closet, study while he’s gone.  Collect, collate, and shred the dozens of scraps of paper he has lying around.  Darn his holy socks.  (And by darn, I mean throw out.)  Make a certain pair of jeans he’s had for at least 15 years disappear.  Seriously – these jeans wouldn’t have been pretty even when acid-wash Was in fashion.  Which it probably was when he first got them.  Back in MIDDLE SCHOOL.  He hangs onto them like a terrior with a rat.  Claims that “the faded look is in!”

Oh what I would give to ask forgiveness instead of permission….

But he’s a tad…vigilant.  Could be that his paranoia has made him so neurotic that he notices if a paper has been moved even an inch.

Or it could be that time I accidentally donated his books.

My bad.

In my defense, it truly was an accident.  You see, my yearly purge is not a new thing.  I’ve done it as long as I can remember.  Mostly because, growing up as a military brat (emphasis on brat), we moved every 2 years.  And I?  Purged.  Every.  Time.  If I didn’t love it enough to want to clean it, pack it, schlepp it, and unpack it again?  It was Out.

This is a skill that has come in handy over the years.  Except when I purge something I didn’t actually mean to purge.  Either the ecstasy of cleaning takes over me and I decide something with only a mountain of sentimental value isn’t valuable enough to keep, or I accidentally put a book down in the wrong pile.

Again, My bad.

When I was younger, my mother saved me from myself plenty of times.  A certain babydoll quilt with my name on it almost always found its way back into my room after the yearly purging frenzy.  Or it found its way into my sister’s room.  From whom I promptly stole it back.  It’s not like she could claim she owned it – it had my name on it!

Unfortunately for the Big Man, by the time he entered the picture I was in college.  And so my purges?  Were largely unsupervised.

And he?  Made the mistake of lending me a few novels to read after exams were over one semester.  I was in the middle of a full-on move/purge, and the college had so conveniently placed a Goodwill bin by my dorm.  Right next to the dumpsters.  In went my class notes, term papers, and any text book the bookstore refused to buy back.

Apparently, not all of those text books were actually text books.

Have I mentioned MY BAD?

To my credit, the minute I calmed down from the purging high enough to want to read said novels, and realized that they were definitely NOT in the single box of surviving books I made a MAD dash down to the Goodwill dumpster.  Fully prepared to wade in and sort books until I found the ones that belonged to the Big Man.  Or were at least close enough in genre that he may not notice.


(Of course.)

The dumpster was gone.  And when someone finally answered my eleventh frantic call to the local Goodwill, he proudly informed me that the books?  Were already shipped to Nigeria sold.

And it was on that day that I took an oath.  An oath that the Big Man could review/veto my donation piles.  BEFORE they were donated.

Which is why those faded acid wash denim jeans?  Are STILL in my house.

At least until the Little Man learns to use a pair of scissors…


bitethebedbugs June 25, 2010 at 9:22 pm

You are a good person. Me, not so much. When husband turns his back I throw out all kinds of things he supposedly can't part with. He has yet to notice. Any day now it's going to bite me in the ass.

Accidental Baby Maker June 25, 2010 at 4:51 am

I am taking on a yearly purge since we have moved for the last three years every stinking year . . . I love it… and honestly (only doing it three times so far) have not noticed anything missing … this next move will be harder I'm sure because we have accumulated so much baby crap oops I mean awesome stuff… ;o)

Lissa June 24, 2010 at 9:21 pm

Not naming any names, but one unfortunate time, someone in my family purged my room whilst in a VERY bad mood. I, being terrified, said nothing as a non-descript box full of precious things was thrown out. Turns out the ONLY medal I even won something for was in that box. I cried for a week.

The Empress June 24, 2010 at 6:09 pm

Absolutely, that's what you do. WHile he's gone, get busy. I do, every year…or you'd find me buried under his t shirts..

WTH am I Doing? June 24, 2010 at 1:27 pm

I think an unfortunate accident perpetrated by your adorable son is an *excellent* plan. How can he be mad at Little Man?? Kids do come in handy for some things. 😀

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