Just Call Me Sara Lee

August 3, 2011

in Mother Nature's A B****

I may have mentioned this before, but in case you missed it – I am not exactly what you would call an “outdoors” kind of person.  While I enjoy the occasional evening stroll, properly prepped with sun block, bug repellent, and dessert waiting back at the homestead, you aren’t regularly going to find me down in the dirt.  At least not without a cute kid or an equally cute pair of gardening gloves somewhere near by.

In short, if I were a super hero?  My moniker would be “Sara Lee.”  Not “Nature Girl.”

Apparently, however, Maine has not received the memo on this.  Or it did and promptly drafted it into a game of trash-can basketball.  Either way, there seems to be an awful lot of nature going on up here in Maine.

I’m sure there was nature in Ohio too.  There were definitely corn fields.  And a Lake.  But whatever nature lives in corn fields and lakes stayed in the corn fields and lakes.  There were no errant fish flopping on my floors.  They were in the Lake.  I?  Was in my apartment.  On the second floor.  Where the closest nature got to cohabiting with me were the baby birds nesting on my balcony.

It was like a Disney movie.  Without the crazy singing.  Mostly.

Here in Maine, however, nature is EVERYWHERE.  You can’t open your front door in the morning without saying hello to at least three different spiders.  Each on their own dew-dropped web delicately devouring their morning meals.  Waving hello with their long, spindly legs and offering to drop by later to show you exactly how to inject those pesky flies with just the right amount of venom.

Walk out the back door (YES, we have TWO outside doors!  That lead Directly Outside!  Not to a pre-vacuumed, climate controlled hallway.  To NATURE. … ) and you’ll meet their over-acheiving siblings busily spinning webs between the trees.  Swinging from branch to branch.  From tree to grass blade to mesmerized toddler and back again.  Creating giant webs glistening in the morning sun.

Ever wonder what happened to Charlotte’s offspring when they all said goodbye to Wilbur?

THEY WENT TO MAINE.

And bought a nice townhouse to rent out to unsuspecting Southerners.

By the way.  When I mentioned that I am not Nature Girl??  I also meant that I am not Spider Woman.  By any stretch of the imagination.  Sure, I may be the Domesticated Gal – but my sidekick is a deep fryer.  Not an eight-legged, beady-eyed, creepy, crawly, venomously-fanged freak.

Have I mentioned that I don’t like spiders?

No?

I DON’T like spiders.  At all.  Great hairy tarantulas, slender black widows, little brown house spiders, or those freakishly tiny lime green ones that drop from the trees.  None of them.  If you ever wonder what I would be like if I suddenly developed epilepsy, just drop a spider on me.  It doesn’t even have to be a real one – my phobia does not discriminate.  That last scene in the cartoon version of Charlotte’s Web where Charlotte’s eggs hatch and millions of spiders come pouring out turned that sweet little story into a horror flick for me.

I also don’t like horror flicks.

So the fact that I can’t turn around without coming eye to eye with a spider out here?  FREAKS ME OUT, PEOPLE.  I’m vacuuming daily.  Dusting like a mad woman.  And sterilizing this house with as much Nature’s Own Green Cleaner and Bleach as I can afford.  I may not have a golden lasso, but I’ve got a swiffer duster – and I’m not afraid to use it.

{ 2 comments }

Domesticated Gal August 3, 2011 at 11:18 pm

I'm the same way! Blood, gore – whatever. Giant spiders? Let me know when I can open my eyes.

Lissa August 3, 2011 at 10:13 pm

I'm exactly the same. I HATE spiders. Luckily for me, I moved from Australia (eek!) to England (phew!) where, compared to home, there are almost none.
Aragog from Harry Potter? She-lob from Lord of the Rings? I can't even watch those sections. I need to hide behind a cushion. And I squeak. Keep them AWAY from me.

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