Let Them Eat Lobster!

May 6, 2012

in Domesticated Dishes, Headliners, Sound Bites, Vegetarian-Ish

We’ve been living in the Wilds of Maine for the past 9months. It’s been rough. There’s nary a Chipotle, Banana Reupblic, or Krispy Kreme to be seen. And this town? Only has ONE Starbucks. It’s medieval out here.

But we’ve survived. We lived through the Winter of 2012, one of the mildest on record according to my bagger down at the local Hannafords. And we’ve managed to find our way home that one time we got terribly turned around and lost trying to find Stephen King’s house. And, of course, I’ll never forget the day Amazon didn’t manage to deliver something to my front stoop before 3pm.

But, through it all, there has been one thing that Down South just doesn’t have. The mere promise of it has kept me going. It’s kept me scrubbing the bathrooms, kept me teaching the Little Man how to vacuum, and kept me from giving up all hope when Mother Nature seem’s determined to drive me slowly insane.

Hello, My Wonderful Man

If you know me personally, or if I’ve met you on the street, you know that I’ve spent the last 9months perfecting the art of the Lobster Roll. It started with some basic research. In which I may or may not have tasted the best lobster rolls in every town between here the coast. Which is a good 65miles from here if you don’t take the most direct route available. And, truth be told, I was not impressed. These were the to-die-for lobster rolls, as seen on TV, that I used to shore up our decision to move to Maine for a year? These bland, sopping messes of wanna-be-crab-meat plopped on a limp bun?

There’s never a taco truck around when ya need one…

I come from good, solid, East Coast stock. Emphasis on the coast. If you’re going to serve crab cakes? “Filler” had better be used only with regards to “Fill’er up!” And while Maine might be a bit north of the Mason Dixon line, it’s still on the East Coast. I think.

If I was going to get a decent lobster roll, I was going to have to do it myself.

Fortunately, if I’m going to jump on a bandwagon, its usually at the last possible minute before everyone else abandons it for the next passing fad. At which point I’ll ride that sucker into the ground. And if you don’t think that means I still have a killer POG collection….you’d be, sadly, very very wrong.
In this case, however, it just so happens that I got up my gumption to end a crustacean or two just in time for the end of lobster season. I’m not sure what, exactly, happens to the lobsters after early October. Maybe they winter in Florida? Spend some quality time with the grandkids playing Bingo? But regardless, it meant they were on sale.
$3.99 A. POUND.
If that’s not a sign from the universe telling me to kill some freaking lobsters already, I’m not sure what is.

After getting everyone in the family their very own lobster, including Little Miss toothless and possibly the guinea pig, I You-Tubed up on how to humanely kill and dismember a lobster, and then dumped the entire bag of them into a pot of boiling water, slammed a lid on top, and turned up the radio to sing them off.
An hour later, and the Big Man and I were tempted to join the Little Miss and her brother in licking the excess lobster juice off the floor. It was truly a night to remember. And one I’ve used every single “major” event since then to repeat. Birthdays. Out-Of-Town Visitors. Valentine’s Day. Anniversaries of the day we had our second kiss while I was wearing the pair of jeans that make my butt look least blimp-like. Whatever it takes.
So when I say that I’ve been looking forward to Maggy’s visit since we planned it two months ago? I mean I’ve been looking forward to seeing my best friend, the godmother to my children, and my not-so-secret soul sister.
And eating some wicked delicious lobster with her.
Wicked Lobster Rolls
Dish: Entree
Prep time: 
Cook time: 
Total time: 
Feeds: 4
Adapted from http://eatocracy.cnn.com/2011/06/16/consider-the-lobster-roll/ (Which has a great tutorial on how to crack a lobster)
  • 1Tbsp Whole Peppercorns
  • 1 Yellow Onion
  • 3Tbsp Coarse Sea Salt
  • 2 Tbsp Old Bay
  • 4 Live Lobsters, 1lb each
  • 1Tbsp Hellman's Mayonnaise
  • 1 Stick Unsalted Butter
  • Coarse Sea Salt
  • Kendall Jackson's Chardonnay
  • 3 Cloves of Garlic
  • 4 Top-Sliced Hotdog Buns
  1. Fill a LARGE stockpot with 1-2inches of water.
  2. Peel onion and slice in half.
  3. Add onion, peppercorns, sea salt, and old bay to pot and heat on medium-high.
  4. Once the water has come to a boil, dump in the lobsters, and immediately cover pot with lid.
  5. Steam lobsters for 8minutes, then drain in a colander and run lobsters under a blast of cold water for 1 minute to keep them from continuing to cook.
  6. Once the lobsters are just cool enough to handle, remove the meat** from the shells while holding over a large bowl to retain as much of the lobster juice as possible. Place lobster meat in a second bowl and set aside for now.
  7. Whisk in mayonnaise with the lobster juices until well combined to create a very thin mixture, then add in the lobster meat and toss to coat.
  8. Peel and smash the garlic.
  9. In a large pan, melt butter over medium heat. Add in garlic, sea salt, and a generous splash of chardonnay to taste.
  10. Allow to simmer for 5minutes, then add in lobster meat and juices, and allow to simmer for an additional 5 minutes, or until heated through.
  11. Using a pastry brush, lightly coat the inside of the hotdog buns with some of the butter mixture from the pan, then place face-down on a grill pan and toast until golden brown.
  12. Divide lobster among the four rolls, drizzle a little more of the butter mixture over the top, and serve immediately.
SAVE THE BUTTER. Always a good idea, but especially in this case. Save the butter/wine mixture from the pan, and then freeze or store in fridge for later use. (Stir to recombine if it separates.) It will taste like heaven. And lobsters. Put it on your eggs and you'll thank me forever. Hopefully by sending more lobster. Don't name the lobsters. **To remove lobster meat, hold the head and torso of the lobster in one hand, the tail in the other. Twist to separate. Place your thumb at the bottom of the tail and push in and up to push the meat out of the tail. Crack the claws by whacking with the dull back of a chef's knife, then breaking in half along the crack line to remove the claw meat.

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