My Husband, the Secret Zombie

April 16, 2010

in Blame The Sudafed

One of these days, my husband is going to accidentally kill me in his sleep.  Or at least it had better be in his sleep, because if he does it on purpose I’m going to be really ticked off.  As in haunt-his-ass-for-the-rest-of-his-life ticked off.  And I?  Can be REALLY freakin’ annoying.  Just ask him.

But he knows that if I disappear, he’s stuck taking care of the kid 24/7, which I think scares him almost as much as the idea of a world without internet.  Or food.  That, and he loves me.  But mostly its the kid thing.  So if he does kill me, it will totally be by accident, most likely in his sleep.

Because my husband?  Has a very active sleep-life.  Fortunately not the kind where he gets up and walks the halls while asleep.  No, instead he seems to favor sitting bolt-upright in the middle of the bed around 1am.  Which doesn’t sound that bad, now does it?

And, honestly, I probably wouldn’t even know about his nocturnal habits, if they didn’t include repeatedly grabbing my ankle.

That’s right.  My ankle.  Apparently he has a foot fetish while asleep.  Because he is definitely asleep.  Sitting bolt upright in bed.  With his eyes open.  Responding robotically to my questions as to what the hell he is doing and would he please leave my ankle where it is.  Attached to my foot.

See?  Creepy, right?

This is totally the scene in the Zombie movie-of-the-month where he then proceeds to feast on my ankle.  And not in the fun way.  More the flesh-ripping, why-didn’t-you-feed-me-more-meat-at-dinner way.  Or so I assume.  I don’t actually watch Zombie movies – seeing the Exorcist in high school (or what I could see of it peeking out from under my coat) has ensured that the closest I get to a horror movie is the scene where Princess doesn’t get a piece of cake in My Little Pony.

But if we were living in a Zombie movie, that would totally be the moment when my husband realized he married his next meal.

So if I wake up tomorrow missing an ankle, at least now ya’ll will know why.


Donna April 16, 2010 at 8:59 pm

You should totally see zombieland though, it's really funny and good. and only a little gross.

Melissa April 16, 2010 at 3:41 pm

Mmmm…this works both ways. Sleepy time is my favorite and only time I take out aggressive elbows on my husband.

…don't tell him those bruises are from me.

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