Last week I told you I was running.

And, knowing what kind and wonderful people you are, you probably envisioned something along the lines of this:

I’d like to tell you that that is EXACTLY what I look like. Even stride. Hair flowing behind me like the maine of a My Little Pony. Tan line magically extending beyond the edges of my t-shirt. Shorts where they belong. Certainly no where near wedgie territory….

Hell. I’d like to tell you that this is EXACTLY what I look like:

Running with some sort of stride. Hair flowing behind me like a swarm of bees. Inhaling. Exhaling. Really. Who trained this girl?

Because I could use a few tips.

Like how, exactly, does one breathe while running? Do ya’ll have some magic to make the burning band of steel wrapped around my lungs melt into so much cotton candy? And is it common to be mistaken for a basset hound in a heat wave while doing so?

Speaking of things getting sucked into my pie-hole…how do you get your hair to stay, you know, behind you?

And what, pray tell, do ya’ll wear DOWN THERE? I mean, sure, those girls whose thighs have never so much as touched in passing, let alone fought to exist in the same two millimeters of space at the same time may be fine slipping into a pair of running shorts. But what do the rest of us do? Because Spandex is NOT an option. Unless I can wear some Spanx.

Can I run in Spanx?

And, last but not least…

Um.

How do ya’ll. You know. Run?

Sure. I get the whole “one foot in front of the other” part. And I get the whole “not falling on your face” part. Mostly.

But how do you run? Do you run on your toes? The balls of your feet?  Or so that the whole foot makes contact with the ground? Heel then toes, or toes then heel?

Seriously, ya’ll. I’ve tried it all. In front of the neighbors. Which is ok, since I’ll be moving in two months. And I’ll probably be dead before then if this keeps up.

But just in case?

HELP.

{ 3 comments }

Jan June 6, 2012 at 8:43 am

Thanks for the smile! :o) Sorry, no advise, however… running and I don’t mix well. I admire people who do!!!

Jess @ Bringing Up Baby June 5, 2012 at 11:38 pm

I’ve been barefoot running or running in minimalist shoes for the past few months, and I will tell you that I literally had to watch YouTube videos on how to change my running form in order to do this. If you are not “barefoot running”, then I suspect you should be running heel to toe. But seriously? Get thee to YouTube. I promise you there are videos out there that break down proper running form. My husband was an all-american runner in college and the one tip he told me was to pretend you’re holding a potato chip in each of your hands as you run. So now I run chanting, “potato chip, potato chip, potato chip” as I swing my arms. He’s so stupid for telling me that. The last thing I want to be thinking about when I’m running is freaking potato chips!

As for how to keep your hair behind you? I pile it all in a rat’s nest on top of my head, secured with an industrial strength rubber band. If I didn’t have a head shaped like an alien, I’d also wear a head band to keep my flyaways off my face, but alas, it’s not an option for me. Luckily I’m a heavy sweater and eventually those frizzies just get matted down.

I wish I knew how to stop sweating so much.

Running is absurd. I have no idea why we do it. But good for you for sticking with it!!!

Aunt M June 5, 2012 at 9:58 pm

From one to another, I’ll call and discuss the necessary, embarrassing information for your success. But congratulations! I know you’re really out there running, or you wouldn’t have these questions.

Comments on this entry are closed.

Previous post:

Next post: