It’s All Downhill from Here

April 27, 2010

in How to be a Housewife

Oh Dear.

It finally happened.

Almost.

The moment I’ve been dreading since we got married.

The Big Man breached the sanctity of the bathroom.  In case it hasn’t fully dawned on you yet, I am not one of those people.  The ones who dream of double sinks and extra large showers so that they can peacefully get ready for work together in the morning.  Don’t get me wrong – I do still dream of double sinks (my own counter space!) and extra large showers (no gymnastic stunts trying to shave my legs!), but I dream of using them Alone.

The bathroom is my sanctuary.  The one place where, when the Big Man is home to watch the kid, I can go in, shut the door, and take all the time I need to “think” on the toilet.  Take a 20minute shower instead of a 5 minute one.  And transform from a momma back into a human being.

But today?  Oh, today was a dark day.  Today, right before I stepped into the shower, the Big Man opened the door.

You’d have thought he was a burglar.  Or Satan.  All the poor man wanted to do was ask me a simple question.  BUT HE OPENED THE DOOR.

Not that he got any farther than poking an arm in.  My screams probably made him think twice about adding his head into the gap between the door and the door jam.  I mean, had he tried that stunt just 30 seconds earlier, he may have discovered that I actually use the toilet.

I stood there squeaking at him, my hands desperately trying to figure out what to cover first, while shock prevented me from being able to decide between leaping Through the shower curtain into the shower, or grabbing one of our extra large towels to hide behind.  And while, sure, he’s probably seen me au-natural at some point, NEVER there.

Fortunately for our marriage, the Big Man decided not to actually see what kind of banshee his wife had turned into, asked his question, and quickly backed. the. hell. away.

And I?

Locked. The. Door.

{ 4 comments }

Scary Mommy May 19, 2010 at 1:13 am

This is hilarious. For YEARS, I had my husband convinced that I didn't fart. He's still devastated to have learned the truth.

jss April 29, 2010 at 8:51 pm

Hahahahaha. Oh man, The Husband knows better than to EVER walk in on me in the bathroom. He's just as scared to discover what goes on in there as I am to have him walk in on me.

Domesticated Gal April 29, 2010 at 8:34 pm

Lol, my mother used to say if we weren't bleeding and/or dying,it could wait until she was done with her bath. I finally understand!

Does he decide to take 30min for a "movement" in the only bathroom in the house and causing everyone else to make a hasty evacuation? Because I'm wondering if that talent is specific to my husband, or just men in general

txrosejames April 27, 2010 at 2:38 pm

I have less strict bathroom rules but my husband doesn't. My husband thinks like you do. The problem with this? The only access to our closet is through our bathroom. Major design flaw in our house!! After just 8 years of marriage, I've finally gotten him to stop asking – while I'm buck naked – if I'm done in the bathroom for today. Yeah, babe, because I didn't need any clothes or shoes for work today.

While it's OK for him to talk to me while I have a soaky bath, it is NOT OK to camp out and argue with me. And while I was pregnant, I started training him to never, EVER, bring me a crying child while I'm in the tub. ONLY if there is copious bleeding which might need an ER visit would it be appropriate to bring me a crying child while I'm in the tub. He's done quite well with this so far!

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