Sweet Karma

September 6, 2011

in Blame The Sudafed, How to Diet in Reverse

Friday night.

The kids are in bed.  And for a few brief hours I can pretend that I have a normal job.  A 9-5, M-F job.  Which means that tomorrow?  Is the weekend!  And I?  Won’t have to work!  Just as long as I can sustain the illusion that I am not a parent!  So until 5AM!!

And to celebrate, I do what any good, red-blooded American does on Friday night once they’ve legally bound another person to love and adore them for eternity and can thus stop pretending they actually Like wearing 4inch heels and dancing on top of stickily slick tables.  I grab a glass of wine, a bag of popcorn, and a fistful of peanut butter M&Ms.  Or two.  Whatever.  Its FRIDAY!

And what goes better with a junk food feast fit for an adult with the taste buds of a six year old?

MOVIE NIGHT!

So, despite the fact that we officially nixed the “obey” part of “love, honor, and obey” in our wedding vows, I decide that it was implied.  And thus decreed that the Big Man, being legally obligated to love, honor, and obey me even after I swapped my skinny jeans and knee-high boots for my newly aquired “Amish Woman/Ain’t Nothin’ Happenin‘ Tonight” dress, will watch a movie with me.

Unfortunately, I just happen to pick “Supersize Me.”

You know, the eye-opening documentary on what eating fast food does to the body?

The eye-opening documentary on how quickly a diet of crap can destroy your body. That I’m watching in my fat dress.  While chowing down on cheese-caked popcorn with a handful of chocolate and peanut butter washed down by some red carbs.

———————————-

Saturday.

Otherwise known as Day 1 of the 30 Day Junk Food Fast.

What?  If that skinny guy can completely change his lifestyle to eat nothing but Big Macs, surely I can cut out the M&Ms!  It doesn’t matter that I may or may not have secretly been scarfing down KitKats just last week.  This?  Is a NEW MONTH, people!  And I?  Will be a NEW WOMAN!  A thinner, healthier, more energetic woman.

But maybe I should just finish that jumbo bag of M&Ms in the closet.  So they don’t go to waste?

No!  I shall prevail!  HEAR ME ROAR!

———————————-

Sunday Morning.

I can do this!  No processed foods for this family!  No refined sugars!  No unnecessary calories, fats, or food!  We will eat only what our bodies need!

Who needs delicious pancakes fried in butter and smothered with strawberry preserves and powdered sugar?  We can have eggs!  Scrambled!  With pepper!

It’s going to be a long day.

———————————–

Monday

Morale is low.  The troops are dropping like flies.  Civility has escaped out the back door, and we are left staring each other down over unsweetened tea, casting lustful side glances at the shelf of lemonade mix, sugar, M&M’s and popcorn.  The shelf the Big Man has decreed will remain stocked.  To make this a true test.

I have begun to doubt our fearless leader.

He swears we shall prevail.

———————————–

Tuesday Afternoon

I did it!  I made it over the three-day hump!  My addiction is cured!

And to prove it, I shall sit down and eat this tiny, healthy bowl of trail mix.

No chocolate for me!  Those M&M’s will stay in the pantry, awaiting my MIL’s visit next month.

Who needs 30 days?  I’ve conquered this challenge in just 3!

What’s this?  A package in the mail?

Huh.

It’s cookies.

MY cookies.

The ones I accidentally sent to a cousin a few weeks Before they moved to their new address.

MY CHOCOLATE CHIP cookies.

MY WORLD-FAMOUS-ALWAYS-REQUESTED-CHOCOLATE-CHIP-COOKIES.

Crap.

 

{ 4 comments }

NSC September 7, 2011 at 1:01 pm

You are amazing…3 whole days?? I start shaking from sugar withdrawals now if I go more than 5 hours without a sweet snack. Oh, FYI…grated cheese on scrambled eggs is the BEST EVER. Then make some wheat toast with some (natural) strawberry jam….mmm….

Ok, I gotta go get food now. :)

Domesticated Gal September 7, 2011 at 1:09 pm

Its only because every time the Big Man leaves the room, he calls out “No Chocolate.” Otherwise I totally would. But, somehow, this has become an ego thing and I? CAN. NOT. LOSE.

But we totally do whole wheat toast & reduced-sugar strawberry preserves. I’ve declared that part of Sunday morning breakfast to be sacred.

Jess @ Bringing Up Baby September 6, 2011 at 8:29 pm

“Amish Woman/Ain’t Nothin’ Happenin‘ Tonight” dress”

Dying. Pretty sure I’ve got a few of those dresses in my closet. That’s a lie. They’re in the clean laundry basket because I wear them All. The. Time. Yes…the laundry basket of clothes that were washed last week. Not to be confused with the basket of clean clothes that were washed last night. What? I really hate folding laundry. Easier to work my way through baskets.

On an unrelated note, Supersize Me totally had the opposite effect on me. I watched it several years ago when I was housesitting a place that just so happened to be two blocks away from a 24 hour McDonalds. I literally ate breakfast, lunch and dinner from there for two days straight. I couldn’t have craved it any harder after seeing that movie. Ahhh, to be 23 again.

Domesticated Gal September 7, 2011 at 6:46 am

If I had watched this at 23? It would absolutely have inspired me to make a midnight run to McD’s! And possibly try it myself…just to see if I could. Of course, this was also the age where the Big Man’s classmates decided to bet each other that they couldn’t go a week without eating anything other than KETCHUP. These boys? Were studying to be DOCTORS.

(And no, they didn’t make it. Not even close.)

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