This? Is why Online Shopping was invented.

June 2, 2010

in How to be a Housewife

Let’s just begin by saying that today was not the Little Man’s finest hour.  Nor mine, to be completely honest.  I had so many things on my to-do list that I couldn’t have gotten it all done even if I hadn’t cried “Uncle” at 8pm and surrendered to the beckonings of HGTV and the last two bowls of ice cream left in the house.  Which of course meant that the Little Man decided today would be the Perfect day to test his boundaries.  


And by test his boundaries, I mean scream bloody murder every time I stepped into a dressing room at the mall.


Why was I in a dressing room at the mall?  Well for one thing, I’d just finished bleaching the back porch.  With the windows open.  Which meant not only did the entire back-yard-area for our building smell like bleach, but so did our house.  (Don’t worry, I made sure to use the Go-Green cleaner for the rest of the cleaning process.  So, whatever wasn’t killed by the Bleach will live in an eco-friendly clean world.  Except for the wasp I sprayed with Windex.  What can I say?  It should have known better than to think about building a nest on MY turf…)


So in order to escape the slightly nauseating combination of bleach and eco-friendly cleaners, we headed to the mall to find me a dress.


Why a dress?  Because next week is the Big Man’s annual BIG work shindig.  At which I am expected to appear by his side, perfectly coifed, as the supportive and beautiful spouse.  So this?  Just won’t cut it.


Off we went. The Little Man, fresh from his nap, had a clean diaper and a full belly.  I figured we’d just walk over to the mall, do some power-shopping for the perfect dress, and then head back in plenty of time for his next feeding.


The Little Man?


Definitely had other ideas.


Which did not include dressing rooms.  I have no idea why, but in each. and. every. store we entered, he immediately started whining as we entered the dressing rooms.  And before I could even think about pulling an arm muscle trying to wrestle a zipper up my back, his whining?  Morphed to screaming.


Again: He was fed, clean, and well rested.  So his whining?  Was either a demand for attention, or his way of voting my dress selections off the island.


And while I would normally just abandon the entire shopping trip and go home, today was really my only shot at finding something to wear that didn’t fit me about as well as on of the Big Man’s old T-Shirts.


So we stayed. 


And I became that mom.


The one dragging the screaming kid through the store.  Desperately trying to pretend he isn’t hers, despite the fact that she continues to push his stroller up and down every aisle.  Hoping that perhaps his screams aren’t, in fact, that loud – that its just all in her head?


The minute I found something even half-way decent, we were out of there.  I may have accidentally shop-lifted in my haste to get out of the mall, since I’m not entirely sure I actually signed the receipt.


And, of course, as soon as we hit the mall exit the Little Man?  Was an angel.

{ 4 comments }

Nicole Carpenter June 8, 2010 at 4:30 pm

Funny post!!! I always enjoy getting some laughter from your blog posts:)

"As We Speak" June 3, 2010 at 12:22 am

Always enjoy your posts…relatable and funny!
AND! You always have a great ending! BADUMBUMP!

WTH am I Doing? June 2, 2010 at 5:12 pm

Oh, I know this feeling. I've been "that mom" in so many different ways…& I have a pretty good kid. Sometimes they just lose their little minds though. They prefer to do this in front of people…because then mommy acts funny. Plus, I think it may partially be a natural male reaction to a female clothes shopping & going into the dressing room. Maybe they're born with it? Unfortunately, he's a little young to drop off in the electronics or power tool department while you shop…

The Empress June 2, 2010 at 12:22 pm

Ha! That is so funny!

I also accidentally shoplifted a pair of black leggings due to screaming. I had tried on an outfit, but with the screaming, I only had the mindset to whip off the top, put mine back on, and run.

Later, at night, I noticed, and was too scared to go back in case I'd be charged or something.

So I gave them away to GOodwill b/c I felt so horrible.

I know of what you speak, dear lady.

Have fun!

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