TMI, People, TMI

April 23, 2010

in I Learn the Lessons So You Don't Have To

I swear to the gods of fried Oreos & 4-hour naps – I could have woven an entire tablecloth out of all the hair I lost in the shower this morning.  (I know!  I got a shower!  Before 6pm!  YES!)

True, many pregnancy books/internet gurus have mentioned the possibility of post-partum hair loss in passing – but no one mentioned how post-partum it would be.  Or that you could save the amount of hair you would lose to make a wig…which you might need before its all over.  I’m going to end up as bald as the back of my son’s head if this keeps up.

Which got me thinking about all the other crazy shit people “forget” to warn you about.  Even Jenny McCarthy’s books (which are Hilarious) don’t go quite far enough in their version of brutal honesty.  Or she was just incredibly lucky.  Which considering how she already seems to have won the genetic lottery in her looks, is entirely possible.


I was lucky enough to have my aunt to help clue in/warn me of some of post-partum’s fun little curve balls.  And to her, I (and my unstained jeans) are eternally thankful.  So in the interest of (another) fun little bitchfest paying it forward…things you never wanted to know but may eventually be thankful for.  Or not.

  1. When you first get that little baby bump?  GO BUY MATERNITY CLOTHES.  Sure, you could probably wear your fat jeans and stretch out your t-shirts just a little bit to make it one more month.  Or two.  DON’T.  For one thing, belly cleavage is Never cute.  Also?  They won’t shrink back!  Sure, your belly may eventually go back down to the size of a deflated basketball, but your jeans?  Will still have enough room in them to free-load a few melons from the grocery store on your next trip.  And while the dryer may shrink EVERY single infant onesie before you even turn it on, it will not return your pre-pregnancy clothes to their former glory.
  2. While you may not have a period for 9 months, your body will make up for it.  By bleeding for an entire month straight.  And when you think its finally stopped?  Stash a pad in the diaper bag.  Or you may end up stuffing one of your child’s diapers down there mid-grocery-store trip 10 days later.
  3. Invest in some Good body wash.  Because showers will become a luxury.  One you will dream about.  And while you may only have 3 minutes to lather/rinse/repeat, smelling like heaven for even just a few minutes before your son spits up on you again is well worth it.
  4. While you may only have added one more person to your life, and one that doesn’t even need to make sure it pees before you leave, it will take you 5x longer to do ANYTHING.  Even when its just you brushing your teeth.  Mostly because you fell asleep in the process.  Twice.
  5. THE HORMONES NEVER STOP.  Now I know why my mother could cry at the Huggies commercial.  When I was Thirteen.
  6. Even when your child has been on a nap strike for an entire week while refusing to sleep for longer than 2 hours at a time at night and your nipples want to fall off from overuse (Nursing may be natural, but it will always hurt at first – Even if you are doing it perfectly.  I don’t care WHAT they say)…It will still be Totally worth it.  Someday.


jss April 26, 2010 at 9:40 pm

Oh. Dear. God. What have I signed on for?

Pregnancy and motherhood are shocking horrors every single day, aren't they?

Melissa April 23, 2010 at 4:09 pm

Let's not forget about the hemorrhoids that vaginal births can cause, a little gift I got after each child.

My hair stopped falling out around 6 months. The hair loss was insane! I was told it's because you don't lose hair during pregnancy so it all comes out afterward. Don't worry, you'll have plenty left when all the loss is done.

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