Twitter will be the Death of me…

April 29, 2010

in How to be a Housewife

If the Gootchie Gootchie Goo talk delivered the first blow to my grasp on the English language, Twitter will most certainly be the death of it.

You see, I used to be a grammar nerd guru.  When everyone else was furtively skipping class to go hang out at the Burger King across the street, I was happily sitting in English class volunteering to diagram sentences on the chalkboard (While wondering why the cool kids tried to trip me in the hall each morning…).  I spent lunches reading the thickest books I could find in the library (While still wondering why the cool kids tried to trip me in the hall each morning…).  And I cringed whenever anyone used the word “ain’t.”  (Finally figured out why the cool kids tried to trip me in the hall each morning…)

I’m the one you send your paper to if you want a brutally honest editing job.  Just be sure you aren’t allergic to the color red.  Because it will come back soaked in it.  I was actually excited the day I learned Word had added the ability to edit in red on the computer.  I may not be able to explain exactly why it should be “whom” rather than “who,” but don’t question the instinct.  I am always right.  ALWAYS.

Even now that I finally learned how to text messages longer than “yes” or “no,” I would rather send two texts than abbreviate anything or, heaven forbid, forgo the use of a single article.  I refuse to use a three letter word instead of the ten letter one that originally sprung to mind.

That is, I did.  Until Twitter.

Oh Twitter.  How I loathe thee.  And yet, I would find my life incomplete without the ability to instantly update friends and strangers alike on my current random thought.  It’s like having a word bubble permanently floating above me.  That whole “stream of consciousness” bit that they tried to teach me in creative writing?  I finally get it.

But you demand brevity.  140 characters does not leave much room for grammatical accessories such as “a” or “the.”  And when given the choice between completing my thought or actually spelling out “before” or “to,” I find myself groveling at your feet.  Using the much-mocked shorthand of “b4” and “2,” ignoring the rule of two spaces between a period and the beginning of the next space, or, in my darkest hours, even of a space between words.

But it is for my public.  That they may not be denied my brilliant insights into the Walmart greeter’s choice of ball-bearing shorts with his uniform vest.  Or the opportunity to discover that I am, in fact, eating popcorn for dinner.  Again.

Still.  With each little tweet, a bit of me dies inside.


Erin I'm Gonna Kill Him May 4, 2010 at 3:38 pm

I am always happy to hear about popcorn eating and ball-bearing greeter shorts.

Domesticated Gal May 1, 2010 at 2:24 am

I've heard that! I almost had to hit a stranger because she said it out loud. And didn't laugh!

Melissa May 1, 2010 at 1:48 am

Ah! Just wait until you get used to it and it no longer is a thought. Twitter, Aim, text messaging, they are all slippery slides to the degradation of the English language. You know times are terrible when people are saying "lol" instead of actually laughing out loud.

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