Last week, I called the internet a lying bitch.

You know what? I was right.

Because the internet keeps filling my pinterest feed with seductively tantalizingly images of easy on the eyes treats such as these:

And then she tells me that, for just pennies down, I too can have guilt-free gluttonous romps through the Lands of Snacks.

First it was Kale Chips. Easy Peasy, just de-stem the kale, toss it lightly with some olive oil, sprinkle with the tiniest bit of sea salt, and bake until nice and crisp.

And, I’m sure it was just that simple for the person who made that single batch to be photographed and used to lure in unsuspecting foodies-turned-wannabe-health-nuts like myself. It’s healthy! An actual vegetable! But you’ll eat it like a potato chip! So you’ll feel like you’re snacking!

Which would be great! If I actually liked Kale!

Turns out? Crispy Kale tastes just. like. Kale.

After that, it was Banana Chips. When purchased sugar-coated in 1lb bags at Walmart, these are my kryptonite. I can happily settle down for an afternoon of Project Runway reruns and devour the entire bag before Heidi Klum finishes telling me that what I’m wearing is definitely out.

And, other than the sugar coating every nook and cranny of each little slice of banana, its healthy.  

Seriously. It’s a banana. The only thing dangerous about it is the incessant mocking you’ll receive when singing “B-A-N-A-N-A-S” in your best Gwen Stefani imitation when the Big Man asks you how to spell bananas.

Of course, as the internet has also pointed out, my kids are already sweet enough. Assuming it’s the eve of the second blue moon of the fifth year of the dragon, the addition of any more sugar would just make them melt. So they get Mama’s leftovers unsweetened banana chips in their trail mix.

And if I could make our own unsweetened banana chips for just 29cents a pound….there’d be that much more leftover in the grocery budget for my sweetened banana chips vegetables.

And by make my own banana chips, I mean waste 2.99 on 10lbs of bananas that, 5hours in, resemble more of an oddly sticky, stale gummy chip that tastes like Chiquita’s worst nightmare.

Although, to be fair, the internet did warn me of the narrow chances of success on this endeavor. But Pinterest! How could I doubt such masterfully edited photos of sweet, crunchy banana chips spilling out of finger-print-free mason jars??

Then, of course, there were the Zuchinni Chips.

Which, by all accounts, had a much higher chance of success. And, approximately 2.5hrs after the original cook time should have ended according to the internet, I did, indeed, have a plate full of slightly crunchy, over salted and under seasoned chip-like slices of zucchini.

An hour later? I had a plate of wilting, almost soggi-ish, plate of stale, over salted and under seasoned chip-like slices of zucchini chips.

I am nothing, however, if not fabulous. And persistant. See also: stubborn, tenacious, and boobalicious.

So tonight, this is what we are having:

The internet promises it will be delicious.


Audrey September 6, 2012 at 11:09 am

Bahahaha I Love it!!! Maybe that’s why I stick to baking… and totally unhealthy recipes

NSC September 5, 2012 at 10:52 am

Ahh…screw pinterest. (NOT bitter I wasn’t invited)

BHG is MY kryptonite. I dare you to scroll through their Fall Dessert slideshow without drooling on the keyboard and printing every single recipe. I am DYING to make the Cream Caramel Cake. And the Fudgy Brownies from scratch. And the Maple Upside Down Cake.

I think I need a snack now. Not going to make it to lunch at this rate. :)

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