The Universe’s Biggest Triumph…or Greatest Mistake…TBD

January 6, 2010

in How to be a Housewife

So, it actually happened. The Universe has allowed us to have our very own child. I’m still waiting for someone up in HR to realize what a colossal mistake this was and send a self-addressed envelope for immediate return. Like when Dell sends you a crappy-refurbished replacement part and demands the old one back – and then keeps calling, weeks after you mailed it off, to “check in” with you to make sure you’ve returned it. I’m supposing this job would go to Hermes, as the Universe’s messenger, but perhaps Hera would make it a personal mission? I mean, really, who in their right mind would entrust us to raise a child? Have you READ this blog??

Of course, its only just begun. But three weeks into it, and the lengthy 20min spans of sleep my child allows me each night are still consumed with the idea of exactly HOW it began. (No, not that…) Not with the normal progression of labor and pushing and eventually expelling a screaming, bloody child into life. Nope, why do things the easy way? Instead, we did a semi-planned C-Section.

Now before ya’ll start hopping off the fence and putting on your fight faces over the idea of a planned C-Section, let me just say that this was NOT my first choice of “birth plans” (which, btw, is the BIGGEST oxymoron ever). While I have never been called delicate in my life, and in fact would be more accurately described with words such as “stocky”, “German”, and perhaps “boobalicious,” I am apparently not “stocky” enough to fit a 9+ pound baby through my pelvis. Between that and the enormity of this poor child’s head, we just didn’t have a chance any other way. So, after 41+ weeks of growth, we opted for the planned C-Section rather than the unplanned miracle option.

Which brings me to an important point. I am NOT a fan of Needles. Or Blood. And especially not the two in combination. The American Red Cross may have taken me off their donor request list because their nurses were in constant fear that I would pass out while donating blood in college. So an operation in which I first have a BIG ASS NEEDLE shoved into my spine, and am then laid out on the operating table like Jesus on the cross while a (very skilled/sober) doctor cuts open my abdomen – all while I am COMPLETELY AWAKE? NOT my idea of the easy way out.

Of course, our childbirth class included guided meditation sessions to try and assist us in finding ways to take our minds off things like labor pains and BIG ASS NEEDLES. This is how my first attempt at guided meditation went:

Close your eyes, and picture a bright ball of light hovering in front of you
OK, bright ball of light. Like the sun? Ok, I’m imagining the sun. Wait, you aren’t supposed to look directly at the sun. Doesn’t that blind you, or something? Maybe its the moon instead. But the moon isn’t a ball of light. The sun is a big burning ball of gas, so that’s closer to light. Learned that from the Lion King. Pumba was my hero!
Now, imagine that ball of light is coming towards you, getting closer and closer
Oh shit. Perhaps it shouldn’t have been the sun. The sun should NOT be getting closer. That’s the opening line of every Armageddon movie ever made. Ok, we can do this, we’ll just make it smaller. There we go, a small tiny glowing ball of light. Like Tinkerbell, in the version of Peter Pan with the real people. Only it was a girl playing Peter Pan instead of a boy…which was weird…but Tinkerbell was just a ball of light in that one.
It is now right in front of you, entering your mind and body, finding all the areas of stress and soothing them away
Um, huh. Maybe I shouldn’t have shrunk the light. Does it count if the ball of light is my current area of stress? Screw it, I’m going to Taco Bell after this is done.

Subsequent “practices” met with similar success. Which left me to my own devices once in the operating room waiting for my BIG ASS NEEDLE. So I decided to pick something in the operating room to concentrate on, instead. Perhaps an inspirational poster, or guidelines for evacuations in case of emergency? Yeah, NO. EVERYWHERE I looked, there were needles. Needles waiting to be used on me, back up needles in case those broke? were dropped? were accidentally thrown at the nurse by a hysterical patient? Perhaps I should rethink my position on receiving the minimum dose necessary of mind-altering pain killers…being a little loopy right about now would be AWESOME.

Long story short, BIG ASS NEEDLE went in my back, BIG HEADED KID came out of my stomach. My first words to my child? “Huh, there really was a Kid in there.”

God Bless Demerol.


{ 1 comment }

M and M January 6, 2010 at 8:13 pm

Haha! You're the cutest, Meg! Glad you got that 9+ baby out…what a cutie (btw, thanks for the announcement in the mail!)!

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