Up A Creek

June 14, 2010

in How to be a Housewife

Growing up, my mother was terrified of the water.  She always blamed a child incident of being dropped in a pool and told to sink or swim…but after last week’s swimsuit search, I wonder if she just didn’t want to go through the pain of finding a swimsuit to cover both the front and the back well enough to avoid any unwanted cleavage (in either area)?

And while I do remember taking numerous swim lessons throughout the years – I was never in the pool consistently enough to actually remember any of what was taught in those lessons.  I’m fairly certain someone taught me the “Dead Man’s float” (which just sounds like an aweful name to someone whose sole purpose in taking swim lessons was to make sure they didn’t end up a dead man floating in the water).  Of course, my natural boobaliciousness gifted me with my own ready-made flotation devices, so I was rather good at floating.  It was the swimming that was a bit harder for me to grasp.

The Big Man never actually believed me when I mentioned this throughout the years, until one afternoon when we got together with some friends at the local pool for an afternoon of too much sun and too little sunscreen.  Like a scene out of some summertime Blockbuster teen flick, the entire group jumped into the pool.  The deep end of the pool.

And sure, I could have trotted my butt around the patio and joined them on the other end.  Or at least edged along the pool’s wall until my feet managed to touch the bottom while keeping my chin high and dry.

THAT would have been the intelligent thing to do.

Which, obviously, means that is exactly what I did Not do.  Nope.  This mule-headed woman decided to test the limits of her natural flotation devices and jumped in the pool with the rest of them.

The deep end of the pool.

About thirty seconds later, the Big Man and the rest of the group reached the other side of the pool…turned around to look for a beach ball…and saw me, dog-paddling and deep-sea bobbing my way towards them at a pace that would have made a tortoise proud.

That?  Was the moment the Big Man realized I just might not have been exaggerating my inability to swim.  That perhaps when I said “I can’t swim” I may have meant “I CAN’T SWIM” rather than “I can’t swim well enough to make the Olympic trials this year.”

And while I have yet to learn how to swim, I am determined that my child will NOT be afraid of the water.  He will learn to swim before he can walk if I have anything to do with it.  Because really – you can swim on land (as any drunk frat boy would be happy to demonstrate to you), but you cannot walk on water.

So this week, we start Mommy&Me swim lessons.  I have him fully outfitted – swim diaper, swim trunks, swim shoes, and swim floaties.  If they sold it in the swim section of Target, we now have it.  I have my swim suit. I have a giant beach towel to completely cover up said swimsuit until the last possible second.  I have a tiny beach towel for him – which I pray will soak up enough of the pool to keep my car dry on the ride home.  And I have a cute tote to carry it all in – naturally.

What I don’t have?

Is a single clue as to how, exactly, I’m going to get both himself & I actually into the water at the same time.

Hopefully that?  Will be in lesson 1.


Best Kept Secrets June 15, 2010 at 1:05 am

Good Luck! Great for you to make sure your child learns how to swim instead of just ignoring it and passing on the fear

jss June 14, 2010 at 11:16 pm

My dad never learned to swim, but never acted scared of the water and made sure we all had swimming lessons so it wasn't until we were teenagers that we even realized he was swimming disabled.

All you need to be able to do is stand in deep enough water to catch your kids as they jump in. And even that's more dad's job than mom's. It's all smoke and mirrors. The Mommy & Me swimming class sounds like a great idea, but don't worry too much about your own skill level. I think you'll discover it's easy to hide :)

Maggy Lewis June 14, 2010 at 5:45 pm

Umm…can we combine this with a visit with Maggy? The swim-lesson-teaching lifeguard pretend aunt?

The Fickle Nickle June 14, 2010 at 4:58 pm

Aaah! The swim classes are a great idea!!

sarah June 14, 2010 at 3:39 pm

I love swimming! But I too am slow. I know how to do the strokes but I get so little time actually swimming that I'm not strong enough to actually move forward.

WTH am I Doing? June 14, 2010 at 2:50 pm

I can barely swim either. I've taken a couple of lessons (just before I found out I was preggers), so I'm not as pitiful as I used to be…but I grew up in the pool (grew up in Phoenix) & still couldn't swim. I could stay afloat (I have natural floaties via boobage & "ghetto booty" as my hub likes to call it…*sigh*), so as long as only buoyancy is required, I'm good.

I think the swim class is a good idea…and it will be fun to do an activity with your little man. :)

"As We Speak" June 14, 2010 at 1:23 am

So enjoy your posts…all of them, so genuine, and relatable to young Moms everywhere!

I post through google… Brunch101

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