Welcome to the first Virtual Dressing Room…Or Not.

June 9, 2010

in How to Diet in Reverse

Once upon a time, late last week, I originally had the bright idea to post pictures of my potential bathing suits here, and have ya’ll pick one for me.  Like a giant, virtual dressing room!  Without the screaming kid!  Unfortunately, I ran into a few philosophical issues:

1.  This would require me to post pictures of myself in at least two bathing suits.  Online.  And while Kirstie Allie may have been able to go on Oprah in her bikini,  I?  Have enough accidental porn-seeker hits from mis-guided Google searches already.

2.  I’m opposed to being sued for accidentally blinding people with my brilliantly white skin.

3.  A giant, virtual dressing room just sounds creepy.

Also? Out of $1,000 of returnable (ThankGod for free shipping) bathing suits, only 1 fit.  ONE.  Granted, $1,000 doesn’t buy as many bathing suits as you might think.  (Why does a scrap of Lycra no bigger than a pair of panties -not even granny panties- cost more than my entire outfit for a semi-formal dinner?)

I really should just go to Walmart and hit their $10 lingerie rack and be done with it.

And while the one actual bikini I ordered in a moment of an ice-cream induced sugar high “just to try” actually looked Much better than I thought it would (YAY!), it still wasn’t appropriate for the local “Mommy & Me” swim class.  Since I live in Middle America and not the O.C.  Or anywhere Bravo might actually acknowledge exists.

I just don’t need a wardrobe malfunction in the middle of the pool when my son realizes its feeding time and decides to help himself.

Which left me with exactly ONE suit.  ONE.  Out of TEN.  One suit that didn’t give me a droopy butt, pregnant stomach, or hoochie-momma boobs.


So, rather than hearing the voice of the people, I am forced to bow to the voice of the swimsuit industry. Which sounds rather like my mother’s.  And prefers tummy control panels.  And enough lycra to make an elephant look like Marilyn Monroe.


jss June 10, 2010 at 2:48 am

Oh man…bathing suits. Those things haunt my dreams right now.

FYI, one of the blogs I follow on tumblr, blog.jaclynday.com, is going to be doing a special swimsuit spotlight soon. Jaclyn just emailed me some info about it and because I'm unwilling to put pictures of myself in a swimsuit online (puhlease, I'll talk about my vagina till I'm blue in the face but god help us all if I put a picture of my flabby white ass in a swimsuit) it's not really for me.

If you're interested, though, you'll get 2 free swimsuits that are allegedly meant for your specific body type and all you have to do is post before and after shots in the suits. Email me if you wanna hear more about it.

WTH am I Doing? June 9, 2010 at 8:08 pm

I am developing a twitch just thinking about wearing a bathing suit. >.<

His Wife June 9, 2010 at 2:30 pm

Can we see the suit hanging on a rack? All this talk about the suit has me oh so curious!

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