What Not To Wear: The Goodwill Edition

June 22, 2010

in Blame The Sudafed, Cheap Expectations

In case you missed my previous post, I’ve been having a bit of a fling with Goodwill lately.  Every few days, I’ve been bundling bags into the trunk of my car and sneaking over in the middle of the afternoon to “donate” them.  Oh-so-not-helpful baby books, Denise Austin “exercise”/bounce till your bra breaks videos, jeans so big I’d better not ever fit into them again, jeans so small I have no prayer of ever fitting into them again – they’ve all snuck into the backdoor of our local Goodwill.

And yet, there are a few items that have managed to escape.  Items I purposely hid in the back of my closet, underneath always-useful and too-expensive to give away yet suits and cocktail dresses.  Items that, if that blinking red light in my bedroom is actually a secret recorder for “What Not To Wear” instead of a smoke detector, Stacey and Clinton would mock even before I made it into the 360degree-mirror to try and explain myself.

The truth is, there is no explanation for these items.  They are no longer in fashion.  They never were.  I know this.  And yet, despite the fact that some of them I wouldn’t be caught dead in by the UPS man, I can’t bear to get rid of them yet.

But they must serve some purpose to earn their place in my closet.  So, I sacrifice them to you, Internet, as part of my weekly offerings: The contraband of my closet.  That which, should Banana Republic discover exists along side their perfect Tshirts, they would be forced to ban me for.  My secret shame(s)….

*First, we have the Hawaiian Shirt.
I know.  I really don’t have to say more than that.  But if brevity were my forte, this post would have fit on Twitter.  This is not a shirt I inherited from a middle-aged man with a paunch.  Nor did I purchase it while sober.  (Yes, I did actually purchase it.  As in spend money to procure it.  Real money.)  Nor is it a hold-over from Middle School, High School, or even College.  Nope.  This Shirt?  Is from LAST YEAR.

I know.  I’m sorry.  It won’t happen again.

But PLEASE don’t ask me to give it up.  This is the perfect hawaiian shirt.  It satisfies my secret need for tacky polyester in ways nothing else possibly could.  And I didn’t just stumble upon it – I searched it out. It took an entire week and three different island-nations, but I dragged the Big Man to every single street-side vendor even hinting at a profusion of eye-wrenching colors, flamingoes, and palm trees until I found the perfect shirt.  Not too tame, but not quite bright enough to make my eyes bleed.  With pictures of the sunset all over it.  And while it now fits more like a tent than a button-down shirt, some days a girl just wants a frozen margarita in one hand and a cute cabaƱa boy in the other.  This shirt?  Is the next best thing.

*Next, we have the Pashmina….s.  Sure, one would not be bad.  Two would even be acceptable.  I?  Have 7.  White, Blue, Black, Pink.  With fringe, with tassels, with nothing on the ends.  Plain, embroidered, and patterned.  Some women collect shoes.  I?  Collect pashminas.  And shoes.  You can never have too many.  And sure, you might look a tad ridiculous, pretentious, eccentric – but you’ll be warm AND whimsical.

Yes, I realize that a sweater, pullover, sweatshirt, or hoodie would also serve to make me all comfy cozy.  But where is the whimsy in a cardigan?

*Finally (for now), I present maxi dress.  Before you start, yes – I know this is actually a dress that was at least previously in fashion (is it now?  Anyone?  I don’t know…they didn’t include that in the New Mommy manual the hospital handed me on my way out of the delivery ward).  And maxi dresses are ADORABLE.  On those who can get away with not wearing a bra.  Or wearing a bra with no straps.  Or even just the cute, delicate straps.  Like the ones you can buy at Victoria Secret.  Without a special order.

For the rest of us?  Who are one step away from making straps out of a 2×4 and ducttape for our industrial-strength, so god-aweful-ugly they won’t even be found backstage at a Victoria Secret fashion show bras?  Maxi dresses are not the best idea.  At least not with out a pashmina over them.

But this one?  Is different!  It’s straps are wide enough to actual conceal a real bra underneath!  And the material making up the chest isn’t just two tiny triangles so small they couldn’t cover my sandwich let alone my chest!

Where did I find this miracle?

In Target!

In the maternity department.

Before I was pregnant.

So, technically, the one time I wore it at the beginning of my pregnancy last summer was, well, the only time I should have worn it.  Because at that point, no one would dare risk setting off the hormonal pregnant woman by pointing out that perhaps THAT particular shade of purple?  Was not meant for her.


I like it.

And it? Looks FABULOUS with my pashmina.


Erin I'm Gonna Kill Him June 23, 2010 at 3:40 am

Okay, I'm going to write you a pass on the pashminas and the maxi. Because actually I think those are practical items. But I am going to sneak over to your house in the night and abscond with that Hawaiian shirt. My dad is a repeat offender of the HS and he needs a new one.

CaraBee June 23, 2010 at 12:33 am

I really need to do a Goodwill roundup. My husband imposed a something in/something out rule in an attempt to curb my purchasing, ahem, indulgences. I'm afraid I'm not as diligent about it as I should be.

I would definitely keep those pashminas! They never go out of style. And maxis ARE in! You're golden.

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