What Not To Wear, The Early Years

February 21, 2012

in Blame The Sudafed, I Learn the Lessons So You Don't Have To, Mommy-ville Detour

There was a brief period, back in the day, when I had only one child. An only child who couldn’t reach the top of the entertainment cabinet, let alone the kitchen counters. An only child who didn’t know what candy, tv, or the word “no” was. An only child who took 2 full naps each and every blessed day.

Two. Full. Naps.

My gawd, if only I had known what a luxury that was. I’d have spent less of those nap times with P90X and the dishes, and a bit more with my shower and television. But I thought all children napped like that. At least until they left for college. I know. Foolish, foolish me. 

But, alas, I soon learned my lesson. And along with the naps, we also lost our cable tv.

I mean, really, if I can’t watch at least 6hours of it a day, what’s the point in even Having it?

Needless to say, that? Was a mistake.

Not because I’m in desperate need of my weekly Glee Modern Family fix. Or because, should Armageddon befall us, I won’t actually realize it until I show up at playgroup to find the four horsemen of the apocalypse have joined the teaparty. The last time I got late-breaking news interrupting my day was when the neighbor knocked on my door to let me know my car was about to get towed.

No. Sadly, it is not I who shall suffer the severing of our HD connection to the world. I do have the password to the internet, after all. No. Sadly, it is the children who suffer most.

Specifically, our daughter.

Because one day, twenty years from now, Stacey and Clinton will hobble up to her with their co-ordinated madras walkers and a camera crew, hand her a $5000 Visa gift card….and she won’t know what to do.

And it will be all my fault. Partly because it will probably be her one foray out of the convent to buy supplies for the homeless. But mostly because I? Haven’t a clue as to how to dress her.

Not. One. Freakin’. Clue.

And she’s only 8months old.

Granted, in my defense, she is wearing 24month clothing. So there’s the whole issue of how to dress her in age-appropriate clothing when she doesn’t wear an age-appropriate size. Right?



There’s there part where, somewhere in the last decade, I seem to have lost my femininity.

Granted, I’ve never been a girly girl. At least not since my mother gave up trying to dress me and left me to my own devices in the middle of the junior’s department at Kohl’s. But even in high school I regularly paired a darling cropped sweater with a mini skirt and 3inch platform heels. Truly a look that, while it might scream prostitute, cannot help but be feminine.

And I was, at one time, a debutante. AND a sorority girl.

So, in all honestly, my femininity should be as inherent a part of me as that tattoo on you upper right shoulder blade.

And yet here we are. Dressed to impress in skinny jeans, and a flannel shirt. Which doesn’t sound that bad until you realize I’ve paired them with a pair of cowboy boots. Actual cowboy boots. Not the look-so-hott-on-the-runway-but-if-you-show-up-at-the-dude-ranch-in-them-prepare-to-be-laughed-back-to-the-city boots. I suppose we could just call them Urban cowboy boots for short.

Which takes the punky feminine edge right off that outfit.

And my daughter?


We’ll go ahead and schedule her intervention for 2032, shall we?

{ 1 comment }

NSC February 22, 2012 at 9:51 am

Bahaha, my kid is wearing the same socks today!

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